Boiled Pudding

I could really take a good dump right now

This site is now about Pokémon

Everybody get on the trolley.

I was going to do this in depth analysis of Rebecca Black’s Friday but then I got … beaten repeatedly in MvC3 and lost the will to live. Also eat, bathe, or wipe myself. I just lay in a pool of my own filth, 360 going all “submit player review” trying to hit X and crying “we we so excited … noooooo …. ” over and over.

So I played Pokémon Fire Red for literally 3 and a half hours last night. Because, fuck that.

Your email address will be collected, stolen, forged, dropped on flyers over Uzbekistan, and then tattooed on your mother.

heh. no, though.

eh maybe the flyers

Somebody stole my credit card number, so as far as I’m concerned this whole planet can go straight to hell.

I’ve stopped watching The Daily Show because it pisses me off too much. It feels like somebody should come and take care of the Regressives. Like, Captain Planet or the Romulans or some shit. Put that stupid heart kid to work, he’s not busy. And somebody probably needs to find out where Water was last Friday.

Every time I try to think about Scott Walker my brain replaces him with Scott Brown, and I get doubly pissed off. I don’t see how what he did was any better than Blagojevich. It was certainly a lot more evil, and the mic recording him wasn’t hidden. In fact it was hooked up to some copper controlled by one of the biggest companies in the US. But this knob goblin is not only still in office, he doesn’t look to be leaving any time soon.

Speaking of piles of failure, Goldman Sachs. I’m not sure what contracts they had to sign to be able to rape the vagina of capitalism with a rusty machete like they have but I’d like a cut of that. Actually I wouldn’t, because I like having mirrors in my apartment and I have sleep apnea so I already have problems at night. But I would like to be rich, and have enough money to give people AIDS or whatever, like they do. I wouldn’t really give people AIDS. I just want the option.

Hey guys I found this awesome pharmacy at www.cvs.com . Check it out. Holy penis, that steak is straight off the cow! Note: I am not affiliated with CVS, except that that’s where I buy my crazy pills.

I hate this New Internet shit. Citing your sources and disclosing funding or whatever. This site is fueled by my crappy programming and a lot of pent up madness. That’s how it always used to be. It went without saying. Back in my day, you faked your death with a webcam and nobody cared if you were really dead, and we liked it. We loved it! Yes, my posts are still going to be 90s SNL references, except now they’re ten years older. Deal with it.

Lately I’ve been trying to commit Suicide by Burrito. That’s when you keep going to Chipotle for lunch despite what it does to your insides. For those of you not privileged enough to have a Chipotle near you, I will explain. Imagine Taco Bell, but good. Now imagine shitting your pants like six times the next day.

It was terrible. I was single-handedly financing Mr. Charmin’s new yacht. You see, I imagine all companies to be ran by some guy named after them, and he wears a navy blue coat with a captain’s hat, and he says “quite” a lot. His great-grandfather discovered the toilet paper plant somewhere in Guatemala, and forced local tribesmen into slavery to collect it onto cardboard rolls and send them to IGA. But they’re not fast enough, so I resort to washcloths.

Anyway. I decided to stop eating at Chipotle so much. I tried going to Qdoba once instead to fool my intestines, but they weren’t fooled. They just exploded again, but in a slightly less tasty way, and farther north.

You will probably not find much royalty at Chipotle. Unless you live in a weird area that has RC on tap. Because you never hear a Princess say “Oh heavens, I do believe I’ve shit myself!” Bring me the golden chamber pot. This one’s not going to be pleasant. Jeeves? Jeeves! I got something south of the border going south of the border! Get in here and bring your gloves and toothbrush!

And that’s why butlers always have their eyes closed in movies. The end.

Heh get it, the end.

Look at this damned background. Look at it. All Web 3.0 and shit. Oh my god I’m going to retire early on this shit. Hell yes. Watch those advertising dollars roll in. trick ass marks

For those wondering what I’ve been up to, what all you missed while this site was gone, and all the great stuff I’ve been making:

That is to say, not much.

Hi everybody, Harry Caray here. Wait that’s no good. Site already ruined.

It’s five years later, and nothing much has changed. I lost some hair, got fatter, came blood once, bought a car, had a girlfriend, broke up, moved three times, and half of Japan imploded. Also something about the economy, but I was never too clear on that.

I also bought a PS3. So it hasn’t all been roses.

Billy Madison is still the best movie ever, and blogs are still queer. Discuss.